


and i thank god i'm alive

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Boys In Love, During S3, Fluff without Plot, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 22:05:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: 5 times Even looks at Isak and 1 time Isak calls him out on it.





	and i thank god i'm alive

**Author's Note:**

> i,,,, have no explanation for this?? i just rly love the concept of seeing how much even loves isak
> 
> i wrote this instead of studying for my exam #noregrets
> 
> title from Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Frankie Valli

**one.**

 

Even pulls his bag higher up on his back and takes a deep breath. Nissen wasn't all that scary looking, but the people swarming in and around it like ants definitely were. It was intimidating as all hell to be here — not knowing many people and not knowing who may have heard the rumors about what happened at Elvebakken. It's not that Even had ever had a problem with making friends, it's just that he had friends, perfectly good ones, and now he's here. That's life, he supposes.

He sighs, stepping into the courtyard and darting his eyes around to see if anyone is alone. If someone's alone, or with just one other person, he might be able to easily approach them and ask them a stupid question to initiate conversation. Everyone has first day nerves but most of the people in his year know each other and have known each other. He's the outsider, and he's painfully reminded of that when he looks around at all the cliques in their circles, closed off to the outside world.

It's not long before he spots Sana talking to a group of girls. He looks away from her as if on instinct — she knows what he did, what happened to him, she knows why he's here. And he isn't sure if that makes her an ally or an enemy, or nothing at all. When he glances back up she's walking over to him, a kind smile on her face. He tries to smile back.

“Hey, Even,” she says, standing next to him. He tries not to overthink things. “It's been a while since I've seen you. I didn't know you were coming to Nissen.”

Even nods. “Yeah, after everything... Mum and dad decided transferring would be best for me. So.” He swallows thickly and tries to smile again, but he fears it's more of a grimace. He's never been a particularly easy to read person, but Sana always seems to know. She reads people like a book, no matter how guarded they are.

“Makes sense.” She touches his arm. “Class is about to start, so I should go. But if you see me at lunch or whatever, you can come sit with me. I know starting over must be scary for you. You don't have to go through it alone.”

Even manages a grateful smile this time. He guesses this makes her an ally. “Thanks, Sana.” He wants so badly to ask her how his boys are doing — _the_ boys, he corrects — but he doesn't. It isn't his right to know anymore. They aren't his friends anymore. And it's all his fault. She waves and they part ways.

Even finds his class rather simply and floats through the day on making people laugh with his one-liners and charming them with things muttered under his breath during lessons. It's easy to make acquaintances but he can't imagine ever actually hanging out with these people. Maybe that'll change, but for now, he's heading out of the school building with a heavier heart than he'd expected to.

He pushes the door open and puts his headphones in, pressing play on his Spotify. He looks up to start crossing the courtyard to make it to the tram, when suddenly a blonde mop of curls catches his eye. Even freezes in his tracks and slowly looks over to the source of his distraction, like a moth to a flame.

It's a boy, he discovers. A gorgeous boy. A boy with a mess of blond curls and gorgeous eyes and a smile that makes him choke. He's laughing at something his friends are saying, doubling over and wiping at tears, and Even wants to know everything about this boy. He wants to know what his cologne smells like, what side of the bed he sleeps on, whether he showers in the morning or at night. He wants to know what toothpaste brand he uses, if he likes tea with milk or sugar or both or neither, if his lips are as soft as they seem to be, if he can kiss as beautifully as he laughs.

Even fumbles for his phone, pressing pause. He strains to hear the boy's laughter, and when he does, he can't stop the smile from spreading over his face. It's melodic, like a swan song or a siren call. It makes Even want to laugh, it makes Even want to cry, it makes Even want to paint. His heart was heavy and in an instant it's been lightened, flowers blooming in the chinks of his armor. He has to meet this boy, this goddamn boy who's going to be the sole reason Even fails his third year once again.

He looks around wildly for Sana, smiling in relief when he sees her with a blonde girl. He walks over and immediately taps her shoulder. She smiles when she sees it's him. “Sana, I need your help. It's important,” he rushes, his smile hurting his face because it's so wide. Then he remembers his manners, he wasn't raised by wolves after all, and turns to the blonde. “Hi, I'm Even, by the way.”

“Vilde,” the girl says.

“Pleasure.” He turns back to Sana. “You've gotta tell me who that boy is.”

“Which boy?” Sana asks.

Even turns, points to the group of boys. Points at the blonde. “That one. Please, Sana. What's his name.”

“Which one?!”

“The blonde!” Even explains.

Vilde smiles, “That's Magnus.”

“No, he's not talking about Magnus,” Sana corrects, turning to Even. “The boy in the red snapback?” Even nods feverishly. “His name's Isak. He's a second year. Why?”

Even smiles, running the name over his tongue. _Isak_. “Fuck. He's fucking gorgeous, that's why. Look at him.” He turns back to Isak, back to the sunshine boy who made Even forget all about the Bakka boys. “I have to meet him. Please, Sana. I have to meet him. I'll die if I don't.” Realizing what he said, he turns to Sana abruptly, his face serious, “Sorry if that was too soon.”

Sana waves him off. Even smiles again, taking one last (long) look at the cherub across the courtyard. “Why is he so important?” Sana asks, and Even just shrugs. He couldn't possibly attempt to explain it. No one would ever understand. “Fine. Okay, fine. I'll see what I can do. You owe me, though.”

“I owe you my life,” he says earnestly, smiling as the sound of Isak's beautiful laughter floats across the courtyard to meet his ears.

 

**two.**

 

When Even walked to the first kosegruppa meeting, he wasn't expecting Isak to actually be there. Sana had sworn up and down that she had 100% confirmation, but the doubt had lingered in his mind anyway. His mum had cried when he told her that he was going to the group meeting, and he'd almost cried too. He wondered what she'd think if she knew he'd found another boy, another possible Mikael. For all he knew, this boy was straight as an arrow.

Vilde offers him a bun, and he takes it without much of a glance in her direction. He tries to discreetly look for Isak, and his eyes land on the ethereal beauty almost immediately. After that, it's hard to look away. He makes a passing comment about being excited and follows his feet where they take him — behind Isak. He sits down and takes a couple of deep breaths, trying to work out this meet cute in his head. He had to do something to get this boy's attention, and something told him that it wasn't going to be easy. Isak seemed almost as guarded as himself.

When Vilde mentions the love exercise, he knows then and there that it's too good to be true. He'd be able to be in a duo with this boy. He'd go up, politely ask. He'd definitely beat out the pixie-haired first year who, quite frankly, was way too desperate anyway. He'd called dibs on the first day of school and it'd taken him two months just to get to this point, so she can piss right off, thank you very much.

The girl just approaches Isak, is the thing. As if Isak isn't a god that they should kneel before. Even wouldn't mind getting on his knees for such a stunning boy but that's besides the point, except it isn't really.

When Vilde has them stand, Even has this all planned out. He's ready to step down and introduce himself to Isak, to say he doesn't know anybody here really, that he's a transfer and he'd noticed Isak was alone and maybe they could be in a duo, if he wanted? Except all that goes out the window because suddenly Isak's gone. Even watches Isak disappear, until he's forced to join the group.

 

**three.**

 

Even wants to know who the fuck has hurt Isak so badly in the past. He's known this boy for a couple of weeks and already so much is obvious about him.

He reaches out to run his fingers through Isak's hair, lightly and gently. Isak's ultimatum last night had, quite frankly, scared the shit out of him. He'd put distance between himself and the younger boy, convinced himself it was for the better. Clearly his mum's mental illness is touchy and the last thing Even wants to do is make this worse for Isak, and for himself to a certain extent. But when he'd received that text, to either leave Isak alone or break up with his girlfriend, all of that had gone out the window. He couldn't risk losing Isak permanently. Couldn't even bear the thought.

It honestly didn't surprise him that Isak slept so late. It was cute to Even, to see Isak curled around him and snoring into the nape of Even's neck. Laying in bed and watching Isak sleep while they cuddled made Even feel complete. Made him feel like he'd come home after a long trip away. Like the first gulping breath of fresh air after being underwater for half a second too long.

Isak was peaceful when he was sleeping. The bags under his eyes were less purple, his brow less furrowed, his muscles less tense. Even didn't know if he would ever be able to help Isak, if he'd ever be able to fix him. Maybe Isak couldn't be fixed, like Even couldn't be fixed. Maybe Isak didn't want to be fixed. Maybe Isak had to fix himself.

“I just want to know,” Even whispers to Isak's sleeping body, “who the fuck could walk away from you and never look back. I think I'd die first.” Isak doesn't wake up, or stir. Even kind of wishes the younger boy heard him, but he's also happy that he didn't. “I will never stop looking at you,” he promises. “At you and for you. I'll never leave you.”

And maybe that's a heavy promise for right now. Maybe it's too early. But Even watches as Isak hums in his sleep, shifts so he's snuggled closer into Even's chest. And it doesn't feel too early, or like it's too heavy of a promise. It feels like a promise that Isak needs, one he's never had anyone say to him before. Even wonders how many people have left Isak. He wonders how those people live with themselves.

 

**four.**

 

 _Dear Isak,_ he types, with a shaky heart and shaky fingers. He shouldn't be texting Isak, he knows that. In fact, Isak had specifically told him to stop texting — granted, he'd called Even since then, but still. Isak deserves so much more than Even could ever dream of offering him. And he made a mistake by ever getting involved with Isak because he'd ended up hurting Isak just like he knew he would. He doesn't regret meeting Isak for his own sake, the boy made Even's world tilt on its axis in the best way, but he regrets everything he's put Isak through.

He takes a deep breath, and adjusts himself on the counter of the bathroom. He resolutely does not look at the paper towel dispenser, and he definitely doesn't cry. _I'm now sitting at the place where we first met and I'm thinking about you,_ he types. _It's soon 21:21. I want to tell you a thousand things. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for not telling you that I'm bipolar. I was scared of losing you._

Even chokes on a sob, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. Sending this text meant showing his hand. It meant he would be out there, flayed and open and vulnerable, left at Isak's mercy. And Isak is the sweetest boy he's ever known, but also the most damaged. He can count on Isak to never hurt him deliberately. But he can't count on Isak to forgive him. Hell, he isn't sure he would forgive Isak if the roles were reversed.

Who the fuck is he kidding. He'd forgive Isak for anything if Isak only asked him to.

 _I had forgotten that it's not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyways. In another place in the universe we're together for eternity, remember that._ He swipes at his tears and forces himself to keep typing. _I love you. Even._

He presses send before he can convince himself not to.

Too much time goes by between the read receipt Isak sends and the lack of response. Even forces himself to stop crying, because he know he deserves this. He'd done something horrible, he'd kept secrets for so long and scared the fuck out of Isak and who knew what Sonja said to him. He'd hurt the one boy who'd made everything easier for him, and now he was paying the price.

He leaves the bathroom before he gets sick in one of the stalls. He stumbles out and pushes his way outside, wrapped up in so many layers and yet freezing all the way down to his bone marrow. His eyes burn with unshed tears, and he chokes them back.

When he looks up across the courtyard, just like the first day of school, he stops right in the middle of a step. Because standing in front of him is Isak, looking like he'd just run a marathon, looking panicked and confused. Even stays where he is, tries not to run across the courtyard and fall to his knees and beg Isak to forgive him. He didn't need to be together with Isak (except that he did, like he needed to breathe), he just needed Isak to say they were okay. That he didn't hate Even.

Even stares for a long time. Isak looks so beautiful, even with his nose red and his face flushed. He's as gorgeous as the first day Even saw him, if not more. And fuck, Even is so in love with this boy that it hurts a little bit. He watches as Isak steps closer, as Isak cups his cheeks and tells him _You are not alone_.

Even can't help but close his eyes, then.

 

**five.**

 

Even's definitely taller than Eskild. He knows he is, that's why he immediately comes to the older man's rescue and helps him put up the mistletoe. Eskild seems pleased with the placement and instantly turns to Even, a smile crossing his face. It's a devious one, one that's definitely become more familiar to Even now that he's started seeing Isak.

“Even,” he says, and Even raises his eyebrows to entertain him. “We are currently under the mistletoe. And you know the tradition. It's bad luck to break tradition,” he winks.

Even laughs. How had he not seen this one coming? Eskild's passes at him were a daily occurrence, if not only to piss Isak off. “It's also bad luck to kiss someone else and risk pissing off my boyfriend.”

Eskild rolls his eyes, “Isak? Please. He's been gay for all of ten minutes and he thinks he doesn't have to share?”

“He doesn't,” Even says, and shrugs. “I'm not sharing either. He's all mine.”

“That smelly little baby gay? I still can't believe he managed to pull you,” Eskild sighs dramatically. “Look. All jokes aside, I really am happy for the two of you. I've never seen Isak so...himself, if that makes sense.”

“It does. He makes me feel like myself, too.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Even nods. “Do you love him? I mean, you do, I can see it every time you two make those disgusting googly eyes at each other. But you know what I mean.”

Even laughs. “I know what you mean. And yes, I love him.”

Eskild nods. “It's important that you treat him right, Even. He deserves it.”

“I will. I promise.”

“I never knew there was so much love in that grumpy teenage body of his,” Eskild admits, and Even laughs lightly. “That's a lie. I think I did know. But he kept such a stranglehold on everything. He never...he never let himself have feelings. He'd probably had his feelings hurt so many times that he just decided it was better to be numb.”

Sadness can't help but settle in Even's brain. He doesn't like to think of Isak being anything but the boy he knows today, the one that's happy and giggly and always smiling. Part of him wishes he'd met Isak last year, so he could cuddle Isak when things got bad and make him feel okay. The other part is glad that he only met him this year, because seeing a hurting Isak like the one Eskild describes is something Even doesn't think he could survive.

He nods minutely. “He's still learning. But we all have our skeletons, you know?” He murmurs, and Eskild nods. “It just..kills me to think of Isak sitting drunk in a gay bar and begging you not to take him home.”

“How do you think I felt living through it? He was such a baby back then, too. Puberty hit him like a goddamn bus.”

Even laughs, and just like that the heavy mood is lifted. He leans against the wall and turns to look at Isak, seeing him talking to Eva. He doesn't know much about Isak's first year, but he's heard enough. Enough to know that he and Eva weren't always so distant like they are now, that Eva and Jonas used to be together and Isak used to be in love with Jonas, that Isak was hurting and no one fucking helped him. Because no one ever noticed. Because Isak didn't let them notice.

Part of him wants to be angry at Jonas, though he knows that's not reasonable. He just doesn't understand how Jonas could watch his best friend hurt for so long. Maybe there's pieces to the puzzle that Even hasn't put together yet, or something. He chooses to believe that.

He clears his mind and watches the way Isak's lips form around the words he's saying. Eva is smiling at him and laughing, and Isak doesn't look uncomfortable. It makes Even happy to see Isak so at ease, less tense and less concerned with what people might think of him. Even likes knowing that he could go over and kiss Isak right now and Isak wouldn't back away or get angry at him. He likes knowing that, at some point tonight, Isak might come over and kiss him. The thought alone makes him smile.

He watches as Isak fixes his hair, laughs once again at something Eva is saying. He's so beautiful. Even thinks it every time he looks at Isak but it's true. Every time he looks at his boy it's like seeing him for the first time all over again, and it never fails to take his breath away. Even hopes that feeling never fades, but he supposes that as long as Isak walks around looking like a supermodel, Even better consider carrying an inhaler.

Isak looks over at him, and every single voice in Even's head goes quiet. There's not one single thought in his mind and it's almost enough to make his eyes well up. His mind is always going, always tearing itself down or building skyscrapers that scratch at his skull. But meeting Isak's gaze and seeing the way Isak watches him makes everything go quiet, makes everything stop. Makes the world stop spinning. It's a dizzying thought that makes Even feel drunk, and he doesn't ever want to lose that feeling.

 

**plus one.**

 

Even places five champagne flutes on the counter, and pops open the bottle with only mild surprise at the loud pop. He pours five glasses and lifts them up, carrying them across the apartment to the bedroom where he can hear Jonas laughing about something Mahdi is saying.

He pushes the door open and rolls his eyes when he sees Isak and his friends already playing FIFA, sitting on the floor because the bedframe and mattress are still leaning up against the wall. “Hard at work, it seems,” he jokes, and Isak pauses the game.

“We're taking a break,” he says simply. Even rolls his eyes again and sits down next to him, passing out the champagne. “I thought you were joking about the champagne,” Isak laughs when he takes the glass Even offers him.

“You act like you don't already know how fucking dramatic Even is,” Jonas deadpans.

“He does know, and he loves it,” Even winks.

“I'll love you when you get our bed set up.” And Even would fire something back, but Isak just said their bed, as in one they share, and suddenly Even can't really think straight.

“A toast!” Magnus says, and Isak is already rolling his eyes. Even smiles and wraps his arm around Isak's shoulders, reveling in the way Isak melts into him. “To Evak, the couple that's somehow disgusting and cute at the same time. Congratulations on your flat, maybe you can stop fucking when people are in the other room, salut!” Magnus tries to drink his champagne like a shot and fails, making the rest of the boy's laugh as they clink their glasses together.

Even grabs Isak's arm as the boy goes to take a sip. “We have to link our elbows together like they do at weddings,” he says seriously, and Isak looks at him like he's grown a second head. “We do! It's important! Come on.” He holds his arm out and Isak begrudgingly obliges, linking their elbows for their first sip.

It's only when they pull back that they realize that Jonas had taken a boomerang, and had posted it to Instagram. “Fuck you,” Isak groans, and Even just laughs and drinks the rest of his champagne.

Once it's Magnus and Jonas playing FIFA, Even and Isak take the glasses to the kitchen. Even watches as Isak runs them under the tap, mesmerized at the way the boy moves. He's so fucking in love.

“Why are you staring at me?” Isak asks, turning around once he turns the tap off. Even just smiles innocently, and holds his arms out. Isak walks into them without hesitation, pressing his nose into the dip of Even's collarbone. Even holds him tightly, presses a kiss to his hair. It smells like Even's favorite shampoo.

“I'm staring at you because you're beautiful and I love you,” he murmurs, and he knows without looking that Isak is blushing. “You are. And I do.”

“I love you,” Isak returns. Even's heart beats double time, like it always does when Isak tells him he loves him. “I'm a solid five, I'd say. You're a ten.”

“On a scale of one to five, you're a five. I'm glad we could agree,” Even teases, and Isak chuckles against Even's chest. He pulls back to look Even in the eyes. “Hi,” Even murmurs.

Isak nods. “Hi.” He tilts his chin up and Even gives in, tilting his head down to press a kiss to Isak's lips. “You stare at me all the time.”

“You look stunning all the time,” Even returns.

“You stare at me when you think I'm asleep.”

“You're hot when you sleep.”

“You stare at me when we're on the tram to school.”

“You look beautiful in the mornings.”

Isak hums, “You stare at me when you think I'm not looking at you.”

Even smiles. “Does that mean you're looking at me?”

“Yes,” Isak nods. “I'm always looking at you.”

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated!! xo


End file.
